Without getting into the long drawn out story of the impacted canine I have due to it not being handled when I was a kid, I’ll tell you that I’ve been facing some complex dental decisions for a bit. With the mold and Bartonella and inflammation I decided to not do the surgery + braces last year to let my body heal. But in the meantime I had this front tooth in bad shape from the former bridge. We left it because they told me when we moved the canine I would lose the tooth.

Long story short I found this new dentist and he agreed that the surgery and braces were not the right move. We discussed doing a root canal (I know but still the best option) and a permanent bridge. That I would get 10 years and maybe some other options would open in that time.

I’ll be the first person to say that when it comes to dental stuff I get tight and reactive. I have trauma but I have dental trauma. I also am recovering from CIRS which has deeply impacted the speed in which my nervous system goes out of range in highly stressful situations. It’s actually a hilariously perfect spiritual tool to keep me with a band of neautrality, but I have less control when there is a physical component. Like for example when I got whiplash in the car with Kellen. It takes me out.

So you can imagine I was a bit tenuous about hours of laying on my back with needles, drills, saws, metal coils, rubber dams and all the things needed to do a root canal followed by removing a crown, shaving down another tooth, and then fitting temporary crowns.

Logically it’s like “you are numb”. But I promise you that when you are actually living in your body, it’s one of the most barbaric, violent assaults on the body. In fact because you are numb they do not really pay attention to care or treating your teeth like part of you.

I already had a lot of grief going into this procedure. Losing another tooth to a crown is so so sad to me. Especially in a season when I’m having deep reverence for the natural born thing. I like to ask my questions so I am fully consenting to everything and there are no surprises.

The dentist who I had been meeting with doesn’t treat patients but runs the practice and focuses on airway expansion. He had spoken with my oral surgeon and so did I and we were all on the same page. Root canal, bridge, check the tooth yearly. Hopefully I get 10 years.

Then reasses. They can’t do implants with the canine above and it’s a huge surgery with bone grafting and opening myself to all kinds of potential issues. My body was a NO. So this is where we are.

I sit down post root canal and the dentist said to me “so we are on the same page you know this isn’t going to last long, like under 5 years.” And I got defensive. I was immediately thrown and went into fight response. Because that is NOT what I was told.

She was immediately offended by this and tried to manage me and I said, do not try to manage my tone because my trauma response is different than yours. She was in full superior fawn.

This felt really good considering people are so quick to demonize the fight response. But I was already on the edge of range and I had deep self compassion here.

He came in. We talked it through.

And I laid down for literally another 2 hours.

During this, I was able to witness myself, but particularly my body. There was not much mind, but about halfway through sawing my crown off I had to stop. My whole body was shaking , my lips were trembling. Tears were leaking out the sides of my eyes.

There was no story and no pain.

My nervous system was full. I couldn’t hold anymore.

I said “I’m sorry, this is all involuntary and I’m going to need to take breaks.”

It honestly felt like my higher consciousness coming into take care of a baby.

Was I perfect? No.

Did I get through it honestly without stuffing it?

Yes.

Was she totally victimized at the end in a silent and resentful way? Yes.

In the past I would have stuffed all that down and roughed it out. That’s what actually makes us reactive.

There were a couple of spots I might have redone but all in all I was actually in awe of my ability to care for my body in that way.

To guard her and say “you need to stop and give her a minute”. I felt like a witness. Not identifying as the physical responses, but just observing.

My experience in the last 18 months is that things that are a non event for people who check out and numb out when it’s convenient are an event for me. Medicine most people take easily I cannot. And I respond to so little. I just don’t need as much.

I am here. And I am sensitive. And being conscious does not mean the body stops sweating, bleeding, shaking, crying. It does what a body does when the mind doesn’t interfere.

It is our love for this messy pulsing thing that measures our humanity. To stay with her. To witness her. To guard her. To communicate for her.

There are monks who sit in caves to learn to control every physical aspect of the being.

Why would you want to?

You can direct her. But you cannot control her.

She is meant to stay wild.

Without getting into the long drawn out story of the impacted canine I have due to it not being handled when I was a kid, I’ll tell you that I’ve been facing some complex dental decisions for a bit. With the mold and Bartonella and inflammation I decided to not do the surgery + braces last year to let my body heal. But in the meantime I had this front tooth in bad shape from the former bridge. We left it because they told me when we moved the canine I would lose the tooth.

Long story short I found this new dentist and he agreed that the surgery and braces were not the right move. We discussed doing a root canal (I know but still the best option) and a permanent bridge. That I would get 10 years and maybe some other options would open in that time.

I’ll be the first person to say that when it comes to dental stuff I get tight and reactive. I have trauma but I have dental trauma. I also am recovering from CIRS which has deeply impacted the speed in which my nervous system goes out of range in highly stressful situations. It’s actually a hilariously perfect spiritual tool to keep me with a band of neautrality, but I have less control when there is a physical component. Like for example when I got whiplash in the car with Kellen. It takes me out.

So you can imagine I was a bit tenuous about hours of laying on my back with needles, drills, saws, metal coils, rubber dams and all the things needed to do a root canal followed by removing a crown, shaving down another tooth, and then fitting temporary crowns.

Logically it’s like “you are numb”. But I promise you that when you are actually living in your body, it’s one of the most barbaric, violent assaults on the body. In fact because you are numb they do not really pay attention to care or treating your teeth like part of you.

I already had a lot of grief going into this procedure. Losing another tooth to a crown is so so sad to me. Especially in a season when I’m having deep reverence for the natural born thing. I like to ask my questions so I am fully consenting to everything and there are no surprises.

The dentist who I had been meeting with doesn’t treat patients but runs the practice and focuses on airway expansion. He had spoken with my oral surgeon and so did I and we were all on the same page. Root canal, bridge, check the tooth yearly. Hopefully I get 10 years.

Then reasses. They can’t do implants with the canine above and it’s a huge surgery with bone grafting and opening myself to all kinds of potential issues. My body was a NO. So this is where we are.

I sit down post root canal and the dentist said to me “so we are on the same page you know this isn’t going to last long, like under 5 years.” And I got defensive. I was immediately thrown and went into fight response. Because that is NOT what I was told.

She was immediately offended by this and tried to manage me and I said, do not try to manage my tone because my trauma response is different than yours. She was in full superior fawn.

This felt really good considering people are so quick to demonize the fight response. But I was already on the edge of range and I had deep self compassion here.

He came in. We talked it through.

And I laid down for literally another 2 hours.

During this, I was able to witness myself, but particularly my body. There was not much mind, but about halfway through sawing my crown off I had to stop. My whole body was shaking , my lips were trembling. Tears were leaking out the sides of my eyes.

There was no story and no pain.

My nervous system was full. I couldn’t hold anymore.

I said “I’m sorry, this is all involuntary and I’m going to need to take breaks.”

It honestly felt like my higher consciousness coming into take care of a baby.

Was I perfect? No.

Did I get through it honestly without stuffing it?

Yes.

Was she totally victimized at the end in a silent and resentful way? Yes.

In the past I would have stuffed all that down and roughed it out. That’s what actually makes us reactive.

There were a couple of spots I might have redone but all in all I was actually in awe of my ability to care for my body in that way.

To guard her and say “you need to stop and give her a minute”. I felt like a witness. Not identifying as the physical responses, but just observing.

My experience in the last 18 months is that things that are a non event for people who check out and numb out when it’s convenient are an event for me. Medicine most people take easily I cannot. And I respond to so little. I just don’t need as much.

I am here. And I am sensitive. And being conscious does not mean the body stops sweating, bleeding, shaking, crying. It does what a body does when the mind doesn’t interfere.

It is our love for this messy pulsing thing that measures our humanity. To stay with her. To witness her. To guard her. To communicate for her.

There are monks who sit in caves to learn to control every physical aspect of the being.

Why would you want to?

You can direct her. But you cannot control her.

She is meant to stay wild.