There is a lot shifting in my world at the moment.

The choice to close doors and let go of things that are no longer in alignment was an enormous flood of energy coming back into my life.

We hold on too long to things out of inner child wounding, convenience, obligation, fear…. but when we let go, life can usher us forward.

One of the hardest thing about change is that sometimes it doesn’t make sense but it is just TRUE.

There is no WHY other than “because my heart said so”. And that, is good enough.

Right now I am in full tilt preparation for my event and so many things that I am actively restructuring. It has felt like everything is in the blender and I am just moving at rapid speed to move it from one location to another without spilling.

Then yesterday, Dayna, who has been Scarlet’s teacher and only other caregiver sits down next to me and tells me that she is leaving us end of September.

It felt like the floor dropped out from under me.

And I felt her, her heart, where she is in her life and the next chapter her heart is yearning for for her.

My first panic was I need more time.

But as I sat with it, I was clear that it had to be that she catches this window.

Devastation doesn’t begin to describe the feeling in my body.

It nearly took me out. But it didn’t. In the past it would have.

And the spot that was at the root of this is that there is a particular joy and expression that has space with Dayna that I do not want to close.

The grief I feel on behalf of my child is profound.

Because I know how special these years have been.

Scarlet of course does not understand this and keeps asking why.

And both Dayna and I are working on explaining decisions that sometimes aren’t logical but are simply True.

That it is not because she isn’t loved but because it is time for Dayna to go and the love doesn’t go away.

We have to let her go.

We cannot try to influence this deep clarity she has.

We cannot change her mind.

This we must accept.

I have experienced a lot of loss in my life.

Much of it has felt like betrayal.

I could have chosen betrayal here.

We had the expectation that this would be for years to come.

But it didn’t land that way, and I am relieved.

We are left with no plan for her education and no one to babysit, do date nights, vacations and all the other wonderful things we have been so lucky to have.

And for the first time ever, I am not rushing to solve this problem.

For a long time I have dealt with loss like a business.

A way to guard my heart from the truth that relationships end.

How do we solve the problem of this loss?

And then move into action to come up with a solution.

In business we need to do this.

But Dayna is not replaceable.

She is not business.

This was a once in a lifetime thing.

And we got to be lucky enough to have this.

The way she has held space for Scarlet’s creativity and brilliance and helped her see her creations through is something I wish for every child.

I wish I had had a Dayna.

I don’t know what we are going to do.

And I feel more expansive sitting inside this chasm right now then I would trying to fix something that can’t be fixed.

I know we will transition.

And for my mental projector child who is not good at transitions, showing her how we hold the mystery, and the heartbreak and the love and that everything is going to be ok.

We will figure it out.

We will be ok.

And instead of racing to fix it, I am just holding space open for this next phase to reveal itself.

I will wait to see who we are alone again.

And what shows up.

Feeling so grateful for this time we had together.

Trusting the perfection of this ending.

Wanting to hold it with wide open love.

There is a lot shifting in my world at the moment.

The choice to close doors and let go of things that are no longer in alignment was an enormous flood of energy coming back into my life.

We hold on too long to things out of inner child wounding, convenience, obligation, fear…. but when we let go, life can usher us forward.

One of the hardest thing about change is that sometimes it doesn’t make sense but it is just TRUE.

There is no WHY other than “because my heart said so”. And that, is good enough.

Right now I am in full tilt preparation for my event and so many things that I am actively restructuring. It has felt like everything is in the blender and I am just moving at rapid speed to move it from one location to another without spilling.

Then yesterday, Dayna, who has been Scarlet’s teacher and only other caregiver sits down next to me and tells me that she is leaving us end of September.

It felt like the floor dropped out from under me.

And I felt her, her heart, where she is in her life and the next chapter her heart is yearning for for her.

My first panic was I need more time.

But as I sat with it, I was clear that it had to be that she catches this window.

Devastation doesn’t begin to describe the feeling in my body.

It nearly took me out. But it didn’t. In the past it would have.

And the spot that was at the root of this is that there is a particular joy and expression that has space with Dayna that I do not want to close.

The grief I feel on behalf of my child is profound.

Because I know how special these years have been.

Scarlet of course does not understand this and keeps asking why.

And both Dayna and I are working on explaining decisions that sometimes aren’t logical but are simply True.

That it is not because she isn’t loved but because it is time for Dayna to go and the love doesn’t go away.

We have to let her go.

We cannot try to influence this deep clarity she has.

We cannot change her mind.

This we must accept.

I have experienced a lot of loss in my life.

Much of it has felt like betrayal.

I could have chosen betrayal here.

We had the expectation that this would be for years to come.

But it didn’t land that way, and I am relieved.

We are left with no plan for her education and no one to babysit, do date nights, vacations and all the other wonderful things we have been so lucky to have.

And for the first time ever, I am not rushing to solve this problem.

For a long time I have dealt with loss like a business.

A way to guard my heart from the truth that relationships end.

How do we solve the problem of this loss?

And then move into action to come up with a solution.

In business we need to do this.

But Dayna is not replaceable.

She is not business.

This was a once in a lifetime thing.

And we got to be lucky enough to have this.

The way she has held space for Scarlet’s creativity and brilliance and helped her see her creations through is something I wish for every child.

I wish I had had a Dayna.

I don’t know what we are going to do.

And I feel more expansive sitting inside this chasm right now then I would trying to fix something that can’t be fixed.

I know we will transition.

And for my mental projector child who is not good at transitions, showing her how we hold the mystery, and the heartbreak and the love and that everything is going to be ok.

We will figure it out.

We will be ok.

And instead of racing to fix it, I am just holding space open for this next phase to reveal itself.

I will wait to see who we are alone again.

And what shows up.

Feeling so grateful for this time we had together.

Trusting the perfection of this ending.

Wanting to hold it with wide open love.