The farther I go on this path the more impressed I am with what I can meet.

I nearly used the word handle but that’s an old version of this.

The tough it out version.

Grin and bare it.

Don’t be a wuss.

You are so strong… Perri.

That version just didn’t get to be sad about anything.

It was really from this closed place of survival.

And God that one is so tired.

She really is the part of me that has stepped in so many times to take the brunt of the pain.

She is the one who will get hit, or yelled at, the one who shows up for hard things.

But as I continue she is like a fog or a memory.

She is retired in a way.

And I can feel how tired she is when we have to do hard things.

This new mold thing has a part of my mind angry. I wanted to say really angry but it’s just not that dramatic.

It doesn’t even feel like a big deal.

At all.

But there is a part way off in the distance like

“Bitch you fucking knew there was mold in the house and you fucked up and now we are sick.”

It wants to berate me for not finishing the remediation.

It wants to hurt me that Scarlet is sick.

And this feeling of everything is ok as long as im the only sick one.

She is like WE MOVED INTO THIS DREAM HOUSE AND ITS NOT SAFE.

Which is a whole other level of significance for me because committing to a dwelling really felt like committing to my body fully so committing to a house that is making us sick is like ….

Wow I am not safe in my house.

The thing about all these voices and tantrums is they are like whispers on the wind from a place far away. I hear them, but the TRUE me is like, yup, we’ve got this. One step at a time.

I had this hit to slow down my oral surgery and today my doctor told me Scarlet and I tested positive for an overgrowth of Marcons, a kind of nasal staph infection that is highly correlated to mold toxicity.

She said she would definitely not do any oral surgery while this is going on.

Who would have even known?

The oral surgeon doesn’t swab your nose.

And yes we are treating it with colloidal silver.

But I knew the mouth stuff was moving too fast. And here is why.

And, my immune system is distracted and I want to get this under control before cutting my palette open.

Learning to be with things wrong with my body without panic or numbing is one of the greatest gifts of this path for me.

I am able to see the blessing in each of these circumstances and how knowing the Truth and following it has led me to miracle after miracle.

I feel so guided by the unfolding.

So yes I can do hard things.

And I also am ready to clean things and move through them so they don’t have to reach a place of being hard.

Literally as I was writing this I got clarification from the doctor that Scarlet does not have what I have.

She is ok.

And I just feel this huge wave of relief that feels like I would take all of everything so she wouldn’t have to.

And I know it’s a mother’s love.

But sometimes I want to say to that part, you don’t have to take all the hard things alone.

That feels like a deep pattern in my path through life.

I went to my healer Eric once to figure out what was happening with me and he said “Your higher self said no. You need to figure this one out.”. And I laughed.

Of course she did.

I’ve found myself on many solo quests.

They have been important.

And fuck.

So many of us are conditioned to do hard things.

To do them alone.

It’s the flip side of the Damsel.

Never needing anything.

I have no way of neatly tying this up other than to say these are threads I’m following and this is how I work with myself every day.

It’s like there are these big initiations and I’m just meeting them, watching old parts lose energy and fade into the background.

The farther I go on this path the more impressed I am with what I can meet.

I nearly used the word handle but that’s an old version of this.

The tough it out version.

Grin and bare it.

Don’t be a wuss.

You are so strong… Perri.

That version just didn’t get to be sad about anything.

It was really from this closed place of survival.

And God that one is so tired.

She really is the part of me that has stepped in so many times to take the brunt of the pain.

She is the one who will get hit, or yelled at, the one who shows up for hard things.

But as I continue she is like a fog or a memory.

She is retired in a way.

And I can feel how tired she is when we have to do hard things.

This new mold thing has a part of my mind angry. I wanted to say really angry but it’s just not that dramatic.

It doesn’t even feel like a big deal.

At all.

But there is a part way off in the distance like

“Bitch you fucking knew there was mold in the house and you fucked up and now we are sick.”

It wants to berate me for not finishing the remediation.

It wants to hurt me that Scarlet is sick.

And this feeling of everything is ok as long as im the only sick one.

She is like WE MOVED INTO THIS DREAM HOUSE AND ITS NOT SAFE.

Which is a whole other level of significance for me because committing to a dwelling really felt like committing to my body fully so committing to a house that is making us sick is like ….

Wow I am not safe in my house.

The thing about all these voices and tantrums is they are like whispers on the wind from a place far away. I hear them, but the TRUE me is like, yup, we’ve got this. One step at a time.

I had this hit to slow down my oral surgery and today my doctor told me Scarlet and I tested positive for an overgrowth of Marcons, a kind of nasal staph infection that is highly correlated to mold toxicity.

She said she would definitely not do any oral surgery while this is going on.

Who would have even known?

The oral surgeon doesn’t swab your nose.

And yes we are treating it with colloidal silver.

But I knew the mouth stuff was moving too fast. And here is why.

And, my immune system is distracted and I want to get this under control before cutting my palette open.

Learning to be with things wrong with my body without panic or numbing is one of the greatest gifts of this path for me.

I am able to see the blessing in each of these circumstances and how knowing the Truth and following it has led me to miracle after miracle.

I feel so guided by the unfolding.

So yes I can do hard things.

And I also am ready to clean things and move through them so they don’t have to reach a place of being hard.

Literally as I was writing this I got clarification from the doctor that Scarlet does not have what I have.

She is ok.

And I just feel this huge wave of relief that feels like I would take all of everything so she wouldn’t have to.

And I know it’s a mother’s love.

But sometimes I want to say to that part, you don’t have to take all the hard things alone.

That feels like a deep pattern in my path through life.

I went to my healer Eric once to figure out what was happening with me and he said “Your higher self said no. You need to figure this one out.”. And I laughed.

Of course she did.

I’ve found myself on many solo quests.

They have been important.

And fuck.

So many of us are conditioned to do hard things.

To do them alone.

It’s the flip side of the Damsel.

Never needing anything.

I have no way of neatly tying this up other than to say these are threads I’m following and this is how I work with myself every day.

It’s like there are these big initiations and I’m just meeting them, watching old parts lose energy and fade into the background.