I have felt this particular doorway coming for a while and I’ve felt the agitation up to this point.

The last parts of old patterns flailing in me and being magnified in others.

The girl who Was

An entitled

Ungrateful

Taking

Closed

Non-receptive

Cold-hearted

Superior

Know it all

Judgemental

Bitchy

Non-caring

Black and white thinking

Gossiping

Mean girl

Is dead.

I really really liked her so much.

I really liked people she could be friends with.

I enjoyed her.

She felt powerful to me once.

She showed up around the age of 12 when my two grandmothers died.

She didn’t cry because she wanted to be perceived as strong.

She was bullied.

For years.

And her heart literally couldn’t take it.

Could not possibly hold all the grief.

Because the well of grief was so so deep she wouldn’t have survived it.

Those few years followed by my parents divorce and my first break up set me straight on course for suicide.

As I planned my elaborate jump off the cliffs of Dover I just wanted to be free of all the pain.

As I stood there with God I screamed out to the ether

“FUCK THEM!!! Fuck all of them! I don’t need any of them.”

And somehow I survived.

No one came to look for me that day.

And for years no one really ever worried about me, let alone my heart.

Because my heart was buried and guided and locked and bookie trapped.

Part of moving all that old trauma is just letting it move.

Screaming my face off if I need to.

Letting it heal.

Not listening to societal views about what “healthy” looks like.

I have a deep soul bond with a partner where we hold each other through deep healing in places the rest of the world is too scared to go.

You could not possibly know the depth between us and you should not.

As I have grown into a woman, I’ve kept some of these tokens of this warrior of a girl.

And this week, I felt it release.

With a physical manifestation of this release as well.

Oh…. Look how perfect it is.

And feel what we are stepping into is a whole new level of sobriety and responsibility.

A kind of expansive grace with a firm and fierceness in places I had leaky generosity.

The nuance of this will be lost on most.

But I can feel this small thread shifting.

Ever so slightly to solidify this new paradigm I’m shifting to.

I take EVERY STROKE.

And that’s the only thing you should be here to learn from me.

Not how to have a nice life or business or marriage.

This is not the path of emulation.

it’s the path of fucking disintegration.

How to let the energy rip you to shreds and not collapse inside of that.

Holding truth to truth to truth.

Whatever you think you were here to learn, if it’s not that, I’m not interested in teaching you.

Calling forth those who truly want to let the universe live through them.

And the Gollum, the haters, the takers, the toxic mimic-ers, I am complete.

And so it is.

This chapter is done.

I have felt this particular doorway coming for a while and I’ve felt the agitation up to this point.

The last parts of old patterns flailing in me and being magnified in others.

The girl who Was

An entitled

Ungrateful

Taking

Closed

Non-receptive

Cold-hearted

Superior

Know it all

Judgemental

Bitchy

Non-caring

Black and white thinking

Gossiping

Mean girl

Is dead.

I really really liked her so much.

I really liked people she could be friends with.

I enjoyed her.

She felt powerful to me once.

She showed up around the age of 12 when my two grandmothers died.

She didn’t cry because she wanted to be perceived as strong.

She was bullied.

For years.

And her heart literally couldn’t take it.

Could not possibly hold all the grief.

Because the well of grief was so so deep she wouldn’t have survived it.

Those few years followed by my parents divorce and my first break up set me straight on course for suicide.

As I planned my elaborate jump off the cliffs of Dover I just wanted to be free of all the pain.

As I stood there with God I screamed out to the ether

“FUCK THEM!!! Fuck all of them! I don’t need any of them.”

And somehow I survived.

No one came to look for me that day.

And for years no one really ever worried about me, let alone my heart.

Because my heart was buried and guided and locked and bookie trapped.

Part of moving all that old trauma is just letting it move.

Screaming my face off if I need to.

Letting it heal.

Not listening to societal views about what “healthy” looks like.

I have a deep soul bond with a partner where we hold each other through deep healing in places the rest of the world is too scared to go.

You could not possibly know the depth between us and you should not.

As I have grown into a woman, I’ve kept some of these tokens of this warrior of a girl.

And this week, I felt it release.

With a physical manifestation of this release as well.

Oh…. Look how perfect it is.

And feel what we are stepping into is a whole new level of sobriety and responsibility.

A kind of expansive grace with a firm and fierceness in places I had leaky generosity.

The nuance of this will be lost on most.

But I can feel this small thread shifting.

Ever so slightly to solidify this new paradigm I’m shifting to.

I take EVERY STROKE.

And that’s the only thing you should be here to learn from me.

Not how to have a nice life or business or marriage.

This is not the path of emulation.

it’s the path of fucking disintegration.

How to let the energy rip you to shreds and not collapse inside of that.

Holding truth to truth to truth.

Whatever you think you were here to learn, if it’s not that, I’m not interested in teaching you.

Calling forth those who truly want to let the universe live through them.

And the Gollum, the haters, the takers, the toxic mimic-ers, I am complete.

And so it is.

This chapter is done.