I want to make a distinction in practice.

The difference between going unconscious in a trigger, and consciously allowing your human to be wounded. What’s the difference?

I’m in this inquiry because I just had a falling out with a friend who reacted in a deeply unconscious way and then covered it up with a spiritually bypassed level of appropriate detachment.

The actions and the words did not match.

The only ownership she took and the only apology made was that she was not capable of doing things differently, and she was “deeply sorry”.

I allowed myself my humanity. I let myself lose it.

I consciously allowed the anger to run.

I allowed Perri, the person, not the teacher, to say what she actually thought.

This was liberating for me.

Because I rarely allow that part of me to just let it rip.

Mostly because of what people expect of me.

But I was like no.

I am not going to be a teacher here.

Im not taking the spiritually neutral route.

Im going to unapologetically be fucking ANGRY.

Angry at the betrayal.

Angry at the lack of being seen.

Angry at the words like “i love you” with actions that literally could not have been more opposite of the things said.

Angry with the fact that she created a mess with other people and the fall out was my vacation being ruined.

Angry at my generosity .

Anger at her twisting of the situation to make herself the victim in order to avoid the blow of me ending the friendship.

Fucking ANGRY.

I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have been the bigger person, kept my mouth shut, not saying the wrathful truth to protect someone, swallowing my emotions because it was unsafe, smoothing things over in the name of connection.

But this time what I realized was this friendship was a sacrificial lamb in service to me getting this channel open and expressed.

I was not nice but I was honest.

And I was fully in approval of my humanity.

I’m not ashamed that I was angry like a regular person in a messy and unclean way.

It was refreshing.

I was fully conscious so I could watch it unfold.

I was shown the way my hurt has so many times in my life been twisted to where the abuser (this situation is not abuse) became the victim and I was left holding the bag completely gaslit

I watched the precise mechanism of how the situation went through my system.

First numbness, then kill rage, then some sadness, more rage, grief, grief that had nothing to do with this situation, a closed shutdown it took me time to open, opening to then experience the twisting, full hammer shut down

Could I have done it better?

Absolutely.

But it was actually more of service to let it run.

This is my life and my lessons and sometimes they occur so we can continue to flush out a wound.

Sometimes we need to just let our humanity express itself.

But we need to remember that we have to live with the consequences.

The key to practicing with our humanity is to be able to witness it and approve of it.

Shame is what keeps us unconscious.

Self punishment prevents alchemy.

Maybe a true friend is a soul that allows us to alchemize something deep that’s no longer true at the expense of the human friendship.

Just a thought.

I want to make a distinction in practice.

The difference between going unconscious in a trigger, and consciously allowing your human to be wounded. What’s the difference?

I’m in this inquiry because I just had a falling out with a friend who reacted in a deeply unconscious way and then covered it up with a spiritually bypassed level of appropriate detachment.

The actions and the words did not match.

The only ownership she took and the only apology made was that she was not capable of doing things differently, and she was “deeply sorry”.

I allowed myself my humanity. I let myself lose it.

I consciously allowed the anger to run.

I allowed Perri, the person, not the teacher, to say what she actually thought.

This was liberating for me.

Because I rarely allow that part of me to just let it rip.

Mostly because of what people expect of me.

But I was like no.

I am not going to be a teacher here.

Im not taking the spiritually neutral route.

Im going to unapologetically be fucking ANGRY.

Angry at the betrayal.

Angry at the lack of being seen.

Angry at the words like “i love you” with actions that literally could not have been more opposite of the things said.

Angry with the fact that she created a mess with other people and the fall out was my vacation being ruined.

Angry at my generosity .

Anger at her twisting of the situation to make herself the victim in order to avoid the blow of me ending the friendship.

Fucking ANGRY.

I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have been the bigger person, kept my mouth shut, not saying the wrathful truth to protect someone, swallowing my emotions because it was unsafe, smoothing things over in the name of connection.

But this time what I realized was this friendship was a sacrificial lamb in service to me getting this channel open and expressed.

I was not nice but I was honest.

And I was fully in approval of my humanity.

I’m not ashamed that I was angry like a regular person in a messy and unclean way.

It was refreshing.

I was fully conscious so I could watch it unfold.

I was shown the way my hurt has so many times in my life been twisted to where the abuser (this situation is not abuse) became the victim and I was left holding the bag completely gaslit

I watched the precise mechanism of how the situation went through my system.

First numbness, then kill rage, then some sadness, more rage, grief, grief that had nothing to do with this situation, a closed shutdown it took me time to open, opening to then experience the twisting, full hammer shut down

Could I have done it better?

Absolutely.

But it was actually more of service to let it run.

This is my life and my lessons and sometimes they occur so we can continue to flush out a wound.

Sometimes we need to just let our humanity express itself.

But we need to remember that we have to live with the consequences.

The key to practicing with our humanity is to be able to witness it and approve of it.

Shame is what keeps us unconscious.

Self punishment prevents alchemy.

Maybe a true friend is a soul that allows us to alchemize something deep that’s no longer true at the expense of the human friendship.

Just a thought.