I felt the spot of panic yesterday.
It’s like the little kid who fucked something up and is terrified she isn’t going to be able to fix it. It’s a birth memory and a young memory.
“Don’t leave me. Give me another chance. Let me get it right.”

This is the spot that freezes when I learn about something with my health.
It is also the spot that will have me worry about my physical body when it gets touched.
Today it wasn’t even something negative.
It was actually positive information I didn’t fully understand, but it was new information.
It’s a young part that doesn’t trust and feels she is responsible for everything.
She freaks out when she doesn’t understand.
It’s a part that still feels disconnected sometimes.

See, the stories that come up on the surface or the ways old wounds get activated don’t make sense.
I want you to understand this.
I want you to understand that the thing your mind is focused on or interested in is rarely the actual thing.
That’s why when we are having these experiences it’s usually an illusion.
A projection through the lens of past pain.
And the pain itself is a distortion.
Like a record skipping.
A groove that keeps you in a loop
.A place Truth gets stuck.

I can’t tell you how long it took me to learn that all of my years of deep freeze about health stuff has absolutely nothing to do with my health.
It had to do with losing control and not being able to fix it.
It had to do with sudden loss.
It was and has always been the adoption wound and the subsequent playing out of that wound as a child.
But ultimately it taps into the inherent fragility of life itself and the truth that we will in fact one day lose it all.
It takes me to the depths of my heart if I let it.

I can witness this but I actually really work to let these spots fully open.
My body’s groove is to shut it down.
I have to put enormous attention on it to have it open.
To even catch that’s what is happening.
It sometimes takes a lot of attention to drop down to the deeper thing.
The story on the surface can be so intoxicating.
The pain body beneath can be even more intoxicating.
But at the very bottom it is like a simple truth that’s like a wisp on the wind and you can barely touch it without it disappearing.
The simple fragile essence on the edge of existence.

I’ve learned to hold myself in this spot.
I’ve learned to stay with my body, in my body, with my younger parts.
To witness them and hear what they are afraid of.
To feel their pain.
And I’ve learned how to allow it wash through me creating more space for Truth to enter.

Last night as this was all swirling we saw Avatar and this one sentence just pierced me.
“All energy is borrowed and at some point we need to return it.”

It was the essence of this thread.
And it is also the thread of Hearth.
Over the last 6 months holding Hearth and all the brilliant teachers inside of it, it’s refined and deepened my own practice and awareness in these areas.
I’m always a student as well as a teacher.

No matter where you are on your journey, attention on the body, the nervous system, the pain body and inner child are our work forever as long as we are alive.
It is our work to build mastery here.

I invite you to join us for this next round with some very special guest teachers including:

Angel Grant
Clara Wisner
Michelle Patrick
Alex March
Lindsey Lockett
Angela Jordan
Laura Matsue

I’ll be kicking off things with a live call on Jan 4 but you can now join Hearth anytime as it is now a membership.

So many students who just completed the first six months said it was the healing they didn’t know they needed.
See you inside.

I felt the spot of panic yesterday.
It’s like the little kid who fucked something up and is terrified she isn’t going to be able to fix it. It’s a birth memory and a young memory.
“Don’t leave me. Give me another chance. Let me get it right.”

This is the spot that freezes when I learn about something with my health.
It is also the spot that will have me worry about my physical body when it gets touched.
Today it wasn’t even something negative.
It was actually positive information I didn’t fully understand, but it was new information.
It’s a young part that doesn’t trust and feels she is responsible for everything.
She freaks out when she doesn’t understand.
It’s a part that still feels disconnected sometimes.

See, the stories that come up on the surface or the ways old wounds get activated don’t make sense.
I want you to understand this.
I want you to understand that the thing your mind is focused on or interested in is rarely the actual thing.
That’s why when we are having these experiences it’s usually an illusion.
A projection through the lens of past pain.
And the pain itself is a distortion.
Like a record skipping.
A groove that keeps you in a loop
.A place Truth gets stuck.

I can’t tell you how long it took me to learn that all of my years of deep freeze about health stuff has absolutely nothing to do with my health.
It had to do with losing control and not being able to fix it.
It had to do with sudden loss.
It was and has always been the adoption wound and the subsequent playing out of that wound as a child.
But ultimately it taps into the inherent fragility of life itself and the truth that we will in fact one day lose it all.
It takes me to the depths of my heart if I let it.

I can witness this but I actually really work to let these spots fully open.
My body’s groove is to shut it down.
I have to put enormous attention on it to have it open.
To even catch that’s what is happening.
It sometimes takes a lot of attention to drop down to the deeper thing.
The story on the surface can be so intoxicating.
The pain body beneath can be even more intoxicating.
But at the very bottom it is like a simple truth that’s like a wisp on the wind and you can barely touch it without it disappearing.
The simple fragile essence on the edge of existence.

I’ve learned to hold myself in this spot.
I’ve learned to stay with my body, in my body, with my younger parts.
To witness them and hear what they are afraid of.
To feel their pain.
And I’ve learned how to allow it wash through me creating more space for Truth to enter.

Last night as this was all swirling we saw Avatar and this one sentence just pierced me.
“All energy is borrowed and at some point we need to return it.”

It was the essence of this thread.
And it is also the thread of Hearth.
Over the last 6 months holding Hearth and all the brilliant teachers inside of it, it’s refined and deepened my own practice and awareness in these areas.
I’m always a student as well as a teacher.

No matter where you are on your journey, attention on the body, the nervous system, the pain body and inner child are our work forever as long as we are alive.
It is our work to build mastery here.

I invite you to join us for this next round with some very special guest teachers including:

Angel Grant
Clara Wisner
Michelle Patrick
Alex March
Lindsey Lockett
Angela Jordan
Laura Matsue

I’ll be kicking off things with a live call on Jan 4 but you can now join Hearth anytime as it is now a membership.

So many students who just completed the first six months said it was the healing they didn’t know they needed.
See you inside.