There is something I’ve been really sitting with, especially spending time with myself.

I love being with myself now.

And I love being with myself when I’m not influenced by the fields of others.

What has been coming clearer and clearer for me is a remembrance of who I was as a child before my system locked down.

Mystical.

Magical.

Soft.

Curious.

Deeply Sensitive.

And a big loving and generous heart.

This week as I sit alone with myself is so clear to me that so much of my life is just spent reflecting other people’s systems and playing the particular role they need in that moment on their journey.

I have been sitting with many different situations and scenarios and looking at how my system is really the perfect responder. It always matches and amplifies the energy coming towards me.

And to be even more specific my system matches the energy under the surface.

Having space from this is so rare for me.

And I’m realizing how deeply important it is.

Because while I’m always willing to allow the energy to do with me what it will (I trust it more than my mind’s discernment), I feel like I forget who I am sometimes.

My system is also extremely sensitive to extraction.

So my system defenses definitely go up in the presence of violating or taking energy.

Most of what I do on the internet is intense mirroring. It’s like a volley back of what is coming at me.

I have thought about how sometimes an interaction with me will be a massive catalyst for someone and it’s perfection is exactly what they needed.

But it leaves some little part of me like “hey we liked that person. I thought they were our friend.”

But in the end I surrender to how the energy wants to live through me.

A lot of people talk about “impact” and “harm” and what I have come to surrender to in my own practice is that most (I say most because I am sure there are exceptions), most things we encounter that feel like impact or harm are very much a reflection of a wounding deep in our system.

For me almost anything that hurts me boils down to being unseen. Even feeling disrespected is actually being unseen. There is nothing more painful than being unseen. And it’s an ironic wound because for most of my life I have been deeply deeply unseen and misunderstood. And the farther I go as a teacher, the ME is more and more unseen.

For decades I was so unseen I lost myself for decades in others projections and the gaslighting of people triggered by me.

I looked towards outside validation because it’s like oh thank god when I do this they see me.

I am finally finally letting this layer of other people’s toxic crap that I had to live and grow inside of go.

I’m finally accepting the Truth of my essence.

And I’m slowly taking down the very purposefully harsh protections I have protecting this version of me that left a long time ago and when I brought her back she said “can we go home now”.

For a long time I have been happy to be the mean harmful villain. Because it kept people out. It was a wonderful filter for protecting my heart. But at this point in my practice I don’t want to protect my heart anymore.

I want to integrate this softer part even more with my fierceness. My teacher told me once that my heart was my gold. But then I saw it as a liability. Now I know she is right.

And it would make sense that the lineage that is mine is literally the heart.

I used to think I was of the lineage of Eros.

But I’m not.

Mine is the lineage of the Rose.

Every single awakening I have had is not one of sight or awareness, though that is it too, it’s an awakening in depth of feeling.

How much can I allow myself to feel all the love?

There is something I’ve been really sitting with, especially spending time with myself.

I love being with myself now.

And I love being with myself when I’m not influenced by the fields of others.

What has been coming clearer and clearer for me is a remembrance of who I was as a child before my system locked down.

Mystical.

Magical.

Soft.

Curious.

Deeply Sensitive.

And a big loving and generous heart.

This week as I sit alone with myself is so clear to me that so much of my life is just spent reflecting other people’s systems and playing the particular role they need in that moment on their journey.

I have been sitting with many different situations and scenarios and looking at how my system is really the perfect responder. It always matches and amplifies the energy coming towards me.

And to be even more specific my system matches the energy under the surface.

Having space from this is so rare for me.

And I’m realizing how deeply important it is.

Because while I’m always willing to allow the energy to do with me what it will (I trust it more than my mind’s discernment), I feel like I forget who I am sometimes.

My system is also extremely sensitive to extraction.

So my system defenses definitely go up in the presence of violating or taking energy.

Most of what I do on the internet is intense mirroring. It’s like a volley back of what is coming at me.

I have thought about how sometimes an interaction with me will be a massive catalyst for someone and it’s perfection is exactly what they needed.

But it leaves some little part of me like “hey we liked that person. I thought they were our friend.”

But in the end I surrender to how the energy wants to live through me.

A lot of people talk about “impact” and “harm” and what I have come to surrender to in my own practice is that most (I say most because I am sure there are exceptions), most things we encounter that feel like impact or harm are very much a reflection of a wounding deep in our system.

For me almost anything that hurts me boils down to being unseen. Even feeling disrespected is actually being unseen. There is nothing more painful than being unseen. And it’s an ironic wound because for most of my life I have been deeply deeply unseen and misunderstood. And the farther I go as a teacher, the ME is more and more unseen.

For decades I was so unseen I lost myself for decades in others projections and the gaslighting of people triggered by me.

I looked towards outside validation because it’s like oh thank god when I do this they see me.

I am finally finally letting this layer of other people’s toxic crap that I had to live and grow inside of go.

I’m finally accepting the Truth of my essence.

And I’m slowly taking down the very purposefully harsh protections I have protecting this version of me that left a long time ago and when I brought her back she said “can we go home now”.

For a long time I have been happy to be the mean harmful villain. Because it kept people out. It was a wonderful filter for protecting my heart. But at this point in my practice I don’t want to protect my heart anymore.

I want to integrate this softer part even more with my fierceness. My teacher told me once that my heart was my gold. But then I saw it as a liability. Now I know she is right.

And it would make sense that the lineage that is mine is literally the heart.

I used to think I was of the lineage of Eros.

But I’m not.

Mine is the lineage of the Rose.

Every single awakening I have had is not one of sight or awareness, though that is it too, it’s an awakening in depth of feeling.

How much can I allow myself to feel all the love?